You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
