How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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