as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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