Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
