I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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