8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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