It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
my poor anus
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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