god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize