There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
