Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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