fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
