You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
