I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
