I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
