dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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