I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Text me some of your sweat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
