she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
