If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
