if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
