hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
