i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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