Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
