So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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