i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize