Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
