even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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