I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
