I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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