They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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