so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize