did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
