i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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