Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize