So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
