I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
