We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
