we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She even gives head with a lisp.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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