she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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