I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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