Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
