Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
