Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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