I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
