Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
