Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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