hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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