Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
