love makes seman taste better
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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