Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
