i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
