true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
