I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
