So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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