please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
