The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize