ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
