My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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