don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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