When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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