38 yer olds are good kisserssss
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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