Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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