my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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