a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wish there were birth control emojis
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize