Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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