Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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