my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
