That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
